How to stop Mosquitos from ripping you to shreds.

Please bear in mind these tips are for stopping mosquitos that are in your house, or trying to get in from outside- not for when chilling outside near a mosquito infested lake or what not. This for the home dweller, which I assume most of my readers are- unless you have magically powered a laptop with bamboo or grass or something...... I digress.

So it took me a few bites here and there to get this guide together. Plus, some of the tips are not mine, and, although they seem bloody obvious, they weren't to me. So, by logical reasoning, unless I am the DUMBEST person alive, which is conceivable, others may benefit from this article.

How to keep them out.

Most people want to keep their rooms cool at night in summer. Here, in this effing hot climate the best way to do this is having shutter control. This was the shizzle I had to be told (by my proud landlord, ever ready to both give advice and critise at the same time- how many people can do that!). Trick is, is to only open your windows early in the morning, and, if it is less than say, 26-28C in the evening(I found opening the windows at night virtually useless when it was 28C in the evening! It blows warm air into your room) leave them shut. Windows should be shut and shutters closed when the sun comes round to face your room. Just remember- windows open when there is shade, closed and shuttered when there is sun.

Noted, all this depends on where you sleep and when the sun hits your windows. I'm lucky that the sun hits mine in the afternoon, so cool morning air can cool my room and I can keep it cool by shutting out the sun all day and night.

But what if it is still hot? Well. There are a number of things you can do.

You can risk opening the windows at night. If you do, do not leave all the lights on- they love lights- your sweat and lights will attract them. If you have to have lights on make sure they don't display or advertise your room from outside- ie produce a shine from the street- lamps are good, big bright overhead ones not so good.

Or, you can buy a fan and try to keep your windows sealed.

Lastly, wetting your face before bed is cool, keeps you cool for a bit. Others have said to wet your clothes, but I haven't yet gone to bed soaking with wet clothes- not sure if I'm going to try that one,...

What to do if they are in your room/house

If they are in your room I have worked out a killa system. Cover yourself as protection (long sleeved shirt etc) and look around the walls and ceilings, they hide high up. If you see them flying around pick up something big and flappy- I used a teeshirt but gravitated to a dressing gown- then, flail big time, hitting in front of you- side to side and behind you- it does not matter if you cant see it- they will flee (if you cant picture this, think POI that circus/hippy thingy with the fire circles OR an English lad/hooligan doing massive circular punching motions in every drunken direction). Then, leave the room and shut the door. They will be panicking and will retreat to the walls or ceilings. Wait a few seconds outside then go back in with the eagle eye, looking for them.

When you find them use something wide and swat the fuckers. It is actually really easy ( they wait on the walls and won't move unless you miss.

This procedure should be followed if you hear them when you get into bed. Just jump out, swipe, go outside, reenter the room, and swat. Takes like 2 mins and you sleep well afterwards.

What to do if they are in the house but not in your room

Just keep your door closed.

Other tips:

-Apparently sugar in your blood attracts them- limit it before bedtime.
-Shower before bed if it hot- this will get rid of sweat that attracts them
- Cover your body, or as much as poss when sleeping- they will hate you for this.
- Fans can be used to cool you AND they fan the fuckers away from you.

You could use those repellants or pills- but personally I am not that into them.

Hope these are decent. One up to the humans.

Things I'll miss and things I won't

Things I'll miss about Portugal

The SUN.
The warm nights.
Damn good soups
The helpfulness of the people, on the most part.
Speaking and hearing Portuguese
Their appropriate dress sense (take a note brits!)
The beach
AJUDA- plants, trees, lizards, people, tranquility etc
The reliable metro
The teachers at my school
Staff room banter
A percentage of my students
My room!
My dope multicoloured plastic mirror things.
My housemates
The cat when it is not running round like a crazy street cat.
Training spots here. Benfica school- their floor is incredible
Helpful bboys here
Maria, Pedro and all the other bboys and bgirls here. Rock the beat yo.
Portuguese soaps, hah.
Fresh food here. It is soooooooooo good.
Lemon trees in my garden.
Lettuce and herbs in my garden, growing at a rate of knotts.
The roof garden.
The view from my room. The sky and the sunsets.
Having free mornings.

Things I will not miss

Baratas!
Some BS at work.
Some students, not naming names.
Finishing late at night, eating most of the time at 11pm or even midnight(dinner that is!)
Speaking English reluctantly with non natives when all I want to do is speak the native tongue here (this is outside of my role as an English monkey)
Correcting people everywhere I go, as the Cambridge ting never wears off.
The mentality that it is OK for others to be late, or not show up.
The all over rain in January. No umbrella can save you from that.
Torrents of neverending criticism from my landlord because 'he likes me'(It'll do you good kinda thing). (housemates keep quiet on this one or I'll get more!)
The imbedded stress that creeps in here.


Overall, quite balanced. I wouldn't regret my time here. I have a good time, though it is my time to move on. No regrets.